happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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