508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
