I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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