dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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