u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
