dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
