Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
