I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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