New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
