your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
