6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
