Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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