i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
