I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
