You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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