Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
