More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
