I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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