I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
