Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
These tits shall not be calmed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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