How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
