I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We need to get me chipped asap
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
