There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
