i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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