theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
