It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
