If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
