easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
