i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
