Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
