When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
