I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
