Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
