Princesses don't give blow jobs
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
