My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
