I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
