He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
