I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
