Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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