Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
