I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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