You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
