Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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