I should be sponsored by Trojan
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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