The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
