I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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