260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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