whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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