Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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