can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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