My balls are so social today.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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